He said they were just friends, but deep down I knew better.
Sometimes, years later, I wonder why I wasn’t good enough. Even as I type those words, though, I realize I need to be more than just good enough. It hurts. I hurt. My skin hurts. My hands are heavy. My face is streaked with tears.
Mostly I just wonder why and how I felt so strongly for someone whose feelings for me were seemingly non-existent. I let him hurt me. I believed his lies. The pain I feel – this heartbroken sadness – is my fault. For the past two years I’ve sat silently recovering, using music to heal me. Trying to trick myself into thinking I’d moved on, I pushed forward with professional pursuits, suppressing real emotion. The memory couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t allow myself to feel.
We weren’t right for each other. Why did that truth bother me? Because I allowed myself to believe we were. I allowed myself to believe in love. I don’t know if I was listening to my heart or the echoing words in my head, but I was never more sorry that I said, “I love you” to anyone. Whatever part of me it was that guided me to believe I was in love was wrong. Epically wrong.
Ever since I found out the news – on my own because he wasn’t man enough to tell me directly – (I might still be a little bit bitter) I closed up my heart. I opted not to feel. Why should I? Feeling leads to heartbreak. Tonight, though, two years later, the thoughts and feelings and emotions are all coming back to me and it’s taking everything in my power not to ball myself up into the fetal position, turn off the lights, and not do a thing for anyone until the pain subsides. What hurts the most is that he doesn’t care that he hurt me – twice.
I believed in you twice; and, you hurt me both times.
What is clear is that I shouldn’t have feelings for someone who has the capacity to treat me that way. There was no way for me to know tha…well, maybe there were signs, and I just missed them. I did excuse plenty of bad behavior. So, I’m back to my previous statement. It’s my fault. The question is: How do I make sure I don’t make the same mistake again?